The Misadventures of Scully and Mulder: A Parody
by MySilentLullaby
Summary: Scully is oblivious of her partner's love for her. Mulder is dying to let her know his loins burn for her, but everytime he tries to tell her something random happens. Made for a friend. A parody on MSR fanfiction.
1. A Movie Date

**A/N:** This was Made for a friend. It entirely a Parody. It is NOT meant to Offend anyone.  
I Love MSR in reality. But what better form of flattery than to mock? Isn't that what our mother's told us when that boy in elementary school wouldn't stop teasing us? Anyways.

Oh, and Megan, Jacqueline, Delaney and David are friends of mine. I'm Kate. Nice to meet you.

**Rating:** M - due to language and sexual themes.**  
**

**Chapter 1: A Movie Date.**

It was a dark and stormy night. OH GOD WHY DID I START IT LIKE THAT?! Oh well anyways... Agent Dana Scully was sitting in her bathtub having a wonderful time playing with her rubber ducky.

"yeeehhehehehe" she giggled as she splashed around in the tub. You'd think a grown woman like herself would be able to control such a lustful desire to play with rubber duckies in the bathtub but alas, that was one thing Scully had never been able to get over.

Suddenly the phone rang, but Scully ignored it. She was having just too much fun amongst the bubbles and now twenty more rubber duckies she'd somehow found in a matter of mere seconds.

But the phone kept ringing. It rang. And it rang. And it rang. IT RANG DAMNIT IT RANG! It got louder and louder and louder and louder. Finally the whole apartment building was shaking and the people living on the other floors were screaming at the top of their lungs, thinking it was an earthquake or a zombie apocalypse or Aliens landing.

But honestly, Aliens?! That's just stupid. Haha. Stupid people.

Anywho. Scully, to her disappointment, thought she should answer the phone. She stood up, quickly towelled herself dry and ran out to the living room. Naked.

"Hello? Hello! Is anyone there?" She spoke into the wrong end of the receiver. "whoops, my bad." She flipped the phone around and laughed.

"Hello Scully, It's me, your irresistible Partner at the FBI, Fox Mulder." She heard come from the other end.

"Oh hi Mulder." She giggled like a schoolgirl and blushed.

"So I was just masturbating to some porno mags when I thought I'd take the most gorgeous girl I know out to a movie tonight." Mulder said in that sexy, sultry voice of his.

"Oh, who're going to take then Mulder?" She asked, was she really that stupid? SHE'S A FREAKING DOCTOR FOR GOD'S SAKE! AND SHE DOESN'T GET HIS ROMANTIC HINTS? HONESTLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE PERSON WHO WROTE THIS SHITTY FANFI- AHHH GOD SOMEONE'S INJECTING me with....... sle..eping......

Alright so hello I'm the new narrator. Let's go on.

"You silly goose!" Mulder chuckled. "Is there any movie you want to see?"

"PONYO OBVIOUSLY." Megan screamed.  
"MEGAN GET BACK HERE YOU ARE RUINING MY EPICALLY BAD FANFICTION!" Kate hollered.

"Ummmm Ponyo sounds like a good movie..." Scully said as she watched the two random teenage girls who had randomly appeared in her apartment leave (through the window of course), bickering and calling each other names as they went.

"Alright I'll be there in 20 minutes to pick you up. Wear something sexy."

"Okay..." Scully said blandly before hanging up.

***

Scully wore a large turtle neck sweater in a disgusting – I mean beautiful shade of olive green. It had little hot pink stars embroidered onto it and her pants; long corduroy jeans, were the ugliest –YELP! I mean the nicest shade of Brown. (please help me, the writers are stabbing me with red hot pitchforks...)

"You look... darling." Mulder, who held a bouquet of roses, said as he stepped into the apartment.

"Thanks, but this isn't what I'm wearing. I'll be back in a minute. Thanks for the flowers." Scully replied sweetly as she took the flowers from him and went to her bedroom.

Two and ¾ of an hour later, she came back into the living room wearing a pretty little black dress and a pair of heels.

"That's a little fancy for the Movies, don't you think?" Mulder stated. He was sitting on her couch, wearing a three piece suit and a fancy blue tie Scully had bought for his birthday one year.

"Oh, you don't like it?" She asked. Her blue eyes stared to tear up as she frowned.

"No no! It's lovely! Honest! You look amazing, as always." Mulder tried to charm her.

"Alright let's get going, the next show starts IN THREE MINUTES!" She screamed staring intensely at her watch. Cause women do that sometimes. Trust me.

***

When they arrived, they took their seats at the back of the theatre and settled in.

"Damnit, Mulder we missed the previews! That's the best part!"

"Scully you sexy thing you, shut up and kiss me!"  
"What? Why?"  
"SHUT UP I'M TRYING TO WATCH PONYO!" Megan yelled, throwing her popcorn at them.

Kate, Jacqueline, Delaney and David were sitting with her. They gave Scully and Mulder dirty looks, like they were fuck their shit up if they didn't shut up. They seemed to be the only people in the theatre other than Mulder and Scully.

"Whoa chill bro!" Mulder said calmly. "I was just trying to get my girlfriend here to make out with me."

"I'm your girlfriend? When did this happen?" Scully was terribly confused. It hurt. IT HURT SO BAD.

"Never mind let's just get out of here Scully. My place or Yours?"  
"Umm Yours?

"My place it is then."

"Oh. I just want to go home Mulder, I'm starting to get a headache. I can't stand Noah Cyrus' annoyingly high pitched voice."  
"Too late we're already at my place." Mulder smiled as he pulled his car into his apartment's parking garage.  
"Wow that was fast..." Scully replied, still utterly confused.  
Megan and her friends watched Ponyo in peace...FINALLY.


	2. Beer!

**A/N:** Sooooo, how his everyone? haha I see I have no reviews. This parody must be working then. A rather short chapter, I guess.  
Again, not meant to offend, just meant to bring some humor to the table.

**Disclaimer:** I don't anything. Except maybe myself.

Chapter 2: Beer!

Mulder lead Scully by the hand up to his apartment. They took the stairs because he was just too horny to wait for the elevator.

"Mulder can you please just take me home!" Scully whined. She ripped her hand out of his and stopped to stare at him angrily like women do when they are angry at men. Women are scary.

"You're very scary when you make that face. Stop it." Mulder squeaked.

"I just want to go home and watch TV. I heard there was a documentary on about Chimps in space. IN SPACE Mulder." She argued.

"Why don't we watch it in my apartment... together... under a nice warm blanket... with some refreshing drinks and-"

"Drinks?! I've been dying for a drink all day!" Scully said excitedly.

Mulder nodded, "Yeah I have a couple of bottles of beer in the fridge, you want one?"  
"DO I!" Scully exclaimed, pushing past him, shoving him into the wall and running to his apartment door. She jumped up and down like a little puppy waiting to go outside to do its business. What? My dog used to do it? Didn't yours?

Mulder gave himself a mental high five as he thought; _Scully is so easy...to please._

Once inside, Scully ran all around the apartment and jumped up onto the furniture like an over hyper child with ADD.

Mulder came into the living room holding two Sippy cups. Both had those lids with the cool dinosaur design on them and every kid would be jealous.

"I don't need those anymore; I'm a big girl now! I HAFTA PEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" Scully yelled, running to the washroom.

***

It was nearly 3am when Scully decided it was time to puke. All over Mulder's bathroom. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE DAMNIT. Mulder was the unfortunate one to clean it up.

"Well I think it's time for me to go home!" Scully belched, slurring her words.  
"You can't drive! Not when you're drunk!" Mulder protested, scrubbing the ceiling with Mr. Clean. You thought I was joking when I said everywhere didn't you?

"But... I didn't drivehere! Youdid! I'lljust takeataxi!"

"No no, Scully you drove here. I remember. I'd feel a lot better if you stayed the night." Mulder pleaded, his eyes glittering like jewels. Wait...what.  
DID I JUST WRITE THAT? WOW I'M SO COOL... NOT!

"Wellokaaaaaaay." She complied. "But no naughty shtufffffffffffff."

"I promise." Mulder lied. That bastard. HE LIED TO HER. HE LIED TO THE ONLY WOMAN HE COULD EVER TRUST AND LOVE. HONESTLY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! YOU DICK. Anyways...

***

Scully wondered where the hell she was going to sleep, until Mulder opened his bedroom door to reveal suddenly that ALL THE JUNK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE WAS MAGICALLY GONE!

"Mulder, when did you get rid of all your junk?" She asked, suddenly a little more sober than before since she had stopped slurring her words, of course.

"I... I actually don't know. Yesterday it was all here. But now there is this bed in here. And it's not even the water bed from season six!" Mulder was confused all of a sudden.

Suddenly Kate showed up out of nowhere and said, "FUCK YOU GUYS ARE DUMB. THIS IS A FANFICTION. SHIT HAPPENS FOR NO APPARENT REASON IN FANFICTION. THUS, A BED HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED FOR YOU TWO TO GET IT ON OKAY?" the constant caps lock got the point across to Mulder, but Scully had forgotten why she was even at Mulder's already.

Kate disappeared, and no one really questioned it. Not even Mulder, which is very OOC of him but whatever. This is a parody. That's what's supposed to happen. DUH!

"So where were we?" David Duchuvny asked Kate as he took her by the hand and led her to his romantic bedroom. There were Rose petals all aro- OOPS WRONG STORY.

"So where were we?" Mulder asked Scully as he led her into the new bedroom. She stumbled as he pulled her along to the bed.

"Something something something. Sleep!" She muttered sleepily as she slipped out of her dress and heels and put on one of Mulder's t-shirts.

Mulder blushed and looked away, but peaked at her anyways. "Alright sleepy muffin cakes you sleep it off and hopefully by morning you'll have gotten up and wanted to do the dirty."

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"No really what did you call me?"

"Sleepy Muffin Cakes?"

Scully gave him the look. You know that Scully look that she gives people when they're talking about something really stupid? Yeah, that one. Mulder frowned.

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?!"

"The look!"

"What look?"

"The look you get sometimes!"

"Okay... wait what look?"

"Oh never mind." Mulder sighed, rolling his eyes and tucking her in. He lied down beside her.

"Scul-leigh!" He whispered.

"What. What do you want?" she asked annoyed.

"I want to let you know something."

"Okay. Shoot."

"I want to let you know, that there's only one woman in this entire universe for me."

"That's nice, who would that be?"

Mulder hesitated. He was nervous. He wanted her to know his EXACT feelings for her. But before he could tell her, she was already dead asleep. Mulder groaned, rolled over and fell asleep.


	3. Nothing to do with The Plotline!

**A/N:** Oh hello there. Sorry to bother you with this shit. But don't worry. It'll all be over soon. shhhhh! I won't be Updating as much due to school. Yeah, that's right, I'm a highschool student. But I have been working on a less, parody-ish MSR fic. OH MY. Anyways... Thanks to my Two reviewers. And yeah I did spell Duchovny wrong. whoops my bad.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything. Not Lost, Not X-files, not even Mexico or Tentacle Monsters okay? But Olga and Zoe and Jacqueline are, they're my friiiiiiiieeeends. Also, I don't mean any harm or offence. Just... Ignore it if you can't take a Joke okay? Thanks everyone.

Chapter 3: This Chapter has nothing to do with the plotline.

When Scully awoke the next morning her head felt like someone had hit it with a baseball bat...21862498234 times. I exaggerated that by the way but whatever, it's not like any of you are actually reading this for the details. You just want to know if Mulder and Scully do the nasty. And by nasty I mean sex and by sex I mean kinky dirty Porno movie sex.

Anyways. Scully rolled over in Mulder's magical new bed to find a glass of water and two aspirin pills on Mulder's magical new bedside table. She could smell Bacon cooking and wondered if that was magical and new too. Which it wasn't. Cause Mulder can't have _everything_ magical and new.

She took the aspirin and finished the glass of water in a few quick gulps before stepping out into the living room and walking over to the Kitchen. Where a fat Mexican lady stood, slaughtering pigs and making bacon and eggs for breakfast. What? You actually thought Mulder was going to cook for Scully? You MSR fans are sick and twisted. SICK AND TWISTED. You probably think a man in the kitchen is a "sexy" thing. You people make me sick. No I just kid you guys. CALM DOWN! PUT THE PITCH FORKS AND ANGRY MOB EQUIPTMENT AWAY! OH GOD! HELP!

Well anyways, Scully sat down at the messy desk and asked the Mexican lady where Mulder was.

"Yo no hablo Inglés! Yo no hablo Inglés!" The Mexican lady said.

"Well maybe I don't speak Mexican!" Scully said, clearly understanding what the woman had said.

Suddenly Mulder, who was now mysteriously back in character, if only for a moment, came waltzing into his apartment via the door. Cause obviously there was no other way to get in the apartment, duh.

"Um, Scully? Why is there a Mexican lady in my kitchen?"

Suddenly Scully was totally not OOC either, "I... I don't know. Wait, what am I doing in your apartment Mulder?"

"That doesn't matter right now. I found us an X-file!" Mulder said excitedly.

"Oh, what this time? Aliens? Bigfoot? Teenage girls?"

"Worse. There's a strange island somewhere near the Bahamas, which disappears randomly and is inhabited by a strange black fog and polar bears!"

Suddenly OOC again: "Mulder, you silly twit! That's just that ever popular show that is basically the X-files of the 2000's _Lost_!"

"What do you mean?! X-files is so much better than that stupid show! I would never watch that show! No one watches _Lost_ anymore, that's just dumb!" Mulder said, also back to the whole OOC thing.

They both turned as they heard a sniffle and saw a tall girl named Olga holding her prized _Lost_ tin lunchbox and looking as if she was about to cry. She sniffled and then sobbed, "I... I LOVE _LOST_ HOW COULD YOU? I HAFTA GO BLOW MY NOSE NOW!" And with that she ran off down the hall.

"How did that teenager get in my apartment!?" Mulder boomed angrily, forgetting the fact that the door was wide open.

Scully covered her ears as his voice rang through all of the USA and parts of Canada. Kate and her friends felt the earth shake as they sat playing their favourite board game – Scrabble – in the small town of Toronto, Canada.

"HOLY CRAP WHAT THE FUCK-"Zoe screamed, but she was interrupted by the roof above them collapsing.

"WHAT'S GOING ON-"Kate hollered.

"I THINK I JUST SHAT MY-"Jacqueline exclaimed.

The girls were so confused. TERRIBLY CONFUSED AND CRUSHED BY THE ROOF ABOVE THEM.

Meanwhile, in Japan, big-breasted anime chicks were dancing to that stupid caramelldansen song that is like 273694863948734 years old now and no one gave a shit. NO ONE. Suddenly a large Tentacle Monster rose from the Atlantic sea (yeah I said Atlantic, want to fight about it? It had to cross over Mexico OKAY?) And devoured all of Asia. Including India. Asia was too full of curry and MSG though and the Tentacle Monster had the runs for the next few weeks after. Sad face. Poor Tentacle Monster.

And not too far away, in Russia, Lady Gaga and Beyoncé were selling those little cup dolls, I don't know what they're called but they're cute. Except these ones had like, Telephones and Video Phones on them. And no one really liked them. And Lady Gaga went bankrupt. Finally.

Back at Mulder's apartment, Mulder was still screaming. But he stopped when the Mexican lady told them in Mexican that she was leaving for the day and that she would come to pick up her pay check tomorrow morning.

All was well again. Or so they thought. Scully opened her eyes and took her hands off her ears to reveal she was still in Mulder's magical new bed and that what had just happened was all just a dream. Or a hallucination from the Aspirin. Man those must have been really strong aspirin...


	4. The Horrible MarySue Insert!

**A/n:** Hey everyone! Sorry for updating so late. I have a lot of school work! (stupid grade 11 english class!!!) Anyways, just a reminder, not meant to offend in anyway and nothing belongs to me. Except Angel and Max but I don't really care about them because they are for the use of humor and stupidness. :]  
Oh Thanks for the reviews everyone!

Chapter 4: The Horrible Mary-Sue insert. OH GOD! Save Us!

Scully looked over at the clock to see it was almost 2pm. Fuck. She was supposed to be at her Mother's house at 11am. Oh wait. Never mind. It isn't Christmas, I forgot. Chill dudes. I got this.

Scully sat up to see a handsome man who wasn't Mulder sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Hey, who are you and how'd you get into Mulder's apartment?" Scully asked, some of the confusion from last night still dwelled deep in her little redheaded- braaaaaaaaaaaainssssssssssss! Rrrrrrrrrrrrr – oops, sorry Zombies don't come in till next chapter.

"I'm Max Mulder. I'm Mulder's cousin from Tibet. Yeah, and I just moved to Washington D.C to you know, be a FBI Agent like you and my cousin." Max flashed a very large glossy smile. His teeth were shiny and white, so shiny and white, Scully could practically see herself in it.

He looked like a Model. You know those models that you see in those stupid Abercrombie and Fitch ads? Yeah like that, but less stupid. Cause we all know those airhead who model for stores like that are sort of... You know... Dumb. Now I'm going to get 283628369138613876913 Abercrombie snobs bitching at me. I DON'T CARE.

Scully instantly fell in love. "Max, right? You're much more gorgeous than your cousin who's Bed I am sitting in right this very moment make love to me now!"

"But we've just met!"

"Shut up and fuck me!" Scully screamed.

They had hot passionate sex. In which I cannot describe in Detail because this is a T-rated fanfiction. I'll just say to go look up some hardcore porn and imagine a blonde dude from those Abercrombie ads and Scully going at it. OH GOD THE MENTAL IMAGES! MY EYES! THEY BURN!

Meanwhile Mulder, Fox Mulder that is, was in the supermarket, looking for stuff to make Scully breakfast. He went up and down the aisles and looked at a bajillion different cereals.

"Russia-o's? no no. Balls Ahoy? WHAT THE- never mind I'm not gonna ask, PaperHearties? Nah, um Alien Bites?! This sounds good." Mulder spoke to himself. Cause he's crazy like that.

"You like Alien Bites too?" A girlish Squeal, like the sound of a baby pig being taken away from its mother, came from behind him.

Mulder turned around to see a tall beautiful girl with two different coloured eyes (one pink the other a nice shade of seafoam green. Like the crayon.) She had long jetblack hair with rainbow streaks in it and she sparkled. Like Edward Cullen but everyone knows Edward Cullen is a faggot. A-durrr.

"Hi, I'm Angel Greene. I'm new here." Angel giggled in her annoyingly high pitched voice. Wait. ANGEL? WHO THE FLYING FUCK NAMES THEIR KID ANGEL?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

"Ummmm Hi Angel." Mulder tried to control his sudden lust for Angel. It was overpowering. It's level was OVER 9000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Did I actually just put that in this? Oh well.

"Hi, May I ask what your name is?" she laughed and turned to re-apply her jet black lipstick. Cause she's angsty and emotional so she has to show it but wearing dark make up and colourful clothes while listening to shitty emo bands like Linkin Park and Evenesedkjhdkj. I don't know how the fuck you spell that band Amy Lee (queen of whiney bitches) controls. Anyways!

"Fox. Fox Mulder. I'm an FBI Agent. May I ask what you do for a living?" Fox asked.

"Well, I can do just about anything. But in _this_ fanfiction I'm a doctor. Like Scully."

"How do you know about Scully?"

"I'm her aunt's Husband's Cousin's cousin three times removed."

"Makes sense..." Though Mulder wasn't really listening, he was just drooling and staring at Angel's abnormally large tits. Because all Mary-sues usually have big tits. I know, I read the Wikipedia page.

"So would you like to go for some coffee? And then maybe you can show me your apartment. I heard you have a fish tank. I love fish! They're delicious!" Angle asked. Wait. Angle? Damn it I spelt Angel wrong again! FUCK YOU MICROSOFT, FAILING TO FIND MY ERRORS! I will never trust technology ever again!

Mulder woke from his perverted stare and said, "wait how old are you? You look like jailbait!"

"I'm 25 and ½! And I'm already a fully fledged doctor, a ballerina, and I have Master's in almost every subject you could think of. I am creative and intelligent and can play almost any instrument there is, including the didgeridoo and can paint like Michael Angelo. I'm the smartest Goth-alternative Girl this side of the world, I also have a connection to the world conspiracy and believe in all things supernatural and unexplained. And I have the hots for you, Fox..." Her annoying high pitched voice would be described by most sue writers as "sweet" and "angelic" but in reality, it was annoying as fuck.

"well then let's just skip coffee and head to my place!" Mulder said, ecstatic that he was finally gonna get laid. After like what? 1639871238 years? What a loser, eh? (hah Canadian humour.)

They headed for Mulder's apartment, where Scully and Max were still going at it. Whoa. That's just creepy. Anyways...

Mulder walked in on his Cousin from Tibet dominating over Scully. They were doing some weird Bondage thing and Scully had a ball gag in her mouth. Oh ew, THE MENTAL IMAGES ARE BACK! GET THEM OUT OF MY HEADDDDDDDDDD!

!

"What the fuck is going on here?!" Mulder exclaimed. "Max I thought we sent you to Tibet to be a farmer in the mountains?! And Scully what are you doing?"

"mm habing ot mdfm hex wit Mat wha dos et ook ike?" Scully's words were muffled by the ball gag.

"Get away from my partner let her breathe!" Mulder yelled at his long lost cousin and ripped him away from his Scully. He was still utterly in love with her after all and didn't like his cousin. At all.

"Chill dude, Her and I are in Love. We cannot be separated by our eternal love for eachother!" Max protested, getting super emotional. Fucking emo.

Suddenly Angel interjected, "Fox, why are you getting so upset over a Ginger? I mean, everyone knows Gingers don't have souls... which is why I like, totally want to be friends with Dana cause her and I share that attribute! Hehe!"

Scully was suddenly fully dressed again and stood near Max. "That's a little creepy, but Max is right Mulder, We are in complete and total love with each other and there's nothing for you to do about it."

Mulder glanced at Scully and then at Max and then at Angel and then at Ponyo. Wait what? Never mind. He glanced back at Scully and gave her his panic look. It's the same look as every other look he gives her. He then frowned, broken hearted for a second.

"But Scully I love-" But he was interrupted by Angel.

"WHY DON'T WE GO ON A DOUBLE DATE?! WE COULD GO TO A CONCERT OR TO A CLUB AND NOT DANCE LIKE REAL GOTHS DO! I WANT TO BE A GOTH SO BADLY IF YOU CAN TELL." Angel screeched in her annoying voice.

"The First step to being a Goth is to shut the fuck up." Mulder muttered under his breath as they got their coats and headed out the door to go clubbing. Even though it was only noon.

Yeah, they're hardcore like that. Or as you kids these days say: HXC To ThE MaX HoMiEz xxtOtAllllllLyxXxxX!11!1!1!!11. Right? God, I hate humanity.

They went to a club just outide town and Scully and Mulder didn't feel comfortable amongst the teenagers with fake IDs and "Goth" people with white makeup streaked with sweat.

Angel took Mulder onto the dance floor and started dancing to Always by Erasure. Best. Song. Ever. Nothing can beat that song. NOTHING I TELL YOU.

Mulder insisted he couldn't dance but she continued to flail and throw herself about the dance floor. She looked like an idiot but then again most teenagers now a days do. I mean, with their grinding and bumping and this gangster shit and wait Angel's 25 what the fuck is she doing this childish sexual shit for? I just used Childish and Sexual in the same sentence. Many people reading this will think of me as a pedophile or something now. Shit, my cover's been blown! GET TO THE CAR LOUISE! THEY'RE ON TO US!

Scully sat at the bar and started to get drunk. Max having to pay for all her drinks. After the 20th drink the bartender cut her off and she left Max to pay the expensive bill. She made her way to the dance floor, stumbling towards Mulder standing awkwardly to the side of the dance floor while Angel danced with a bunch of random different people. All The people she danced with were kinda ugly compared to her. But of course, she a Mary Sue, so she's obviously prettier than everyone in the world OKAY?!

Scully stumbled up to Mulder and flung her arms around him. "Your Cousin is annoying me." Her voice was starting to slur and her eyebrow arched up in her infamous 'look'.

"Really now? You realized this now?" Mulder grumbled.

"He's too clingy, it's like he wants to get married or something." Scully was still hanging off of Mulder. She turned to look at Max who was standing by the bar, looking like a lost puppy. He was in a tuxedo and a priest stood behind him waiting for Scully to come join his little ceremony. "See what I mean?"

"He's always been like that. His first Girlfriend killed herself just to get away from him." Mulder growled, still slightly jealous.

"So, what about you and whatsherface, Angle? Angelina Jolie? Rebecca? I dun know..." Scully hiccupped, her eyes slid closed as she nuzzled up to him.

"Angel? She's alright I guess, but she's nothing compared to you." Mulder smiled and wrapped an arm around Scully.

Suddenly Angel's INTENCE MARY-SUE RAGE JEALOUSY kicked in and she barged towards them. "What are you doing?!" She snapped at them, her hands on her hips.

"We're just sitting and having a frien-" Mulder started.

"We're changing a fucking tire what does it look like you stupid bitch!" Scully said drunkenly.

Angel huffed and puffed and she blew a little pig's straw house down before she came back and growled angrily at Scully, "You damn well better stay away from _my_ man or I'll unleash my INTENCE MARY-SUE RAGE JEALOUSY on you okay?!"

Scully bared her teeth at the woman and Mulder interjected, "Wait, who said I was _your _man? I only wanted to have sex with you cause Scully can't get it through her thick head that I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her." Yeah, I just stole that from the back cover of Twat- I MEAN- _Twilight_. I don't even LIKE _Twilight!_ Bring it!

"You do?!" Scully said astonished, but still drunk.

"You do?!" Angel said pissed off.

"Yeah, ever since I went back in time to the 1940's and made out with Scully's past self." Mulder shrugged as if it was nothing.

"You were on Morphine Mulder you were hallucinating. It was all just a dream." Scully waved it off.

"No, I was clearly making out with _you_." Mulder stated defiantly.

"THAT DOESN'T MATTER!" Angel spat. "WHAT MATTERS IS THAT MULDER AND I ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER AND HAVE BABIES AND SELL THEM ON THE BLACK MARKET AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT!"

Clearly pissed off that this bitch was screaming at her while she was drunk, Scully threw her fist into Angel's face, and broke Angel's stupid make-up caked face. Angel screamed and Max ran to the scene.

"Are you alright my love?" He asked Scully.

Scully punched him too. Cause he was fucking annoying.

Scully grabbed Mulder by the wrist and dragged him out to the parking lot. "Take me home." She demanded, "I've had enough of this Mary-Sue bullshit! When is this chapter going to end?!"

"Soon Scully, soon I hope..." Mulder sighed and started the car. "My place or Yours?"

"Mine. Now. Before I rip your testicles into little tiny pieces..."

"Alright Your place it is!" Mulder gasped and stepped on the gas.

Meanwhile Angel was on the dance floor still, her nose broken and bleeding everywhere. Max rubbed his sore cheek.

"I _will_ make Fox Mulder mine!" Angel screeched.

"I just want my Dana-baby back." Max sobbed.

"Shut up you fucking pussy!" Angel hissed.

"NO YOU SHUT UP YOU WHORE!" Max yelled.

"OH GOD I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL ME DEROGITORY NAMES! LET'S HAVE HOT STEAMY SEX THAT IS TOO KINKY FOR THIS T-RATED FANFICTION!" Angel screamed in her girlish squeal.

"DANA WHO?!" Max said, obviously now in Love with Angel.

"I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH FOX BUT YOU'LL DO UNTIL I KILL DANA SCULLY AND MAKE FOX MY HUSBAND OKAY?" Angel shouted

"WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!"

"SHUT UP!"

And so, Angel and Max left the club together, it was only 2:30 in the afternoon, but they were going out for dinner, even though Angel's nose was still bleeding profusely.

And Scully and Mulder were back at Scully's apartment, sitting on the couch together. They were like two teenagers going to prom. They sat at opposite end of the couch and glanced at each other awkwardly, turning away, blushing and giggling every time they made eye contact.

They did this alllllllll day. It was rather annoying actually.

Damn it.


	5. Is It Over Yet?

**A/N: **Ohay. It's been awhile my loyal followers, I MEAN. Friends. FRIEEEEEENDS. anywho! enjoy the second last chapter of this shitty fic.

**Remember:** I don't own much of the shit in this fic. okay. and it aint meant to piss y'all off. LOL

* * *

Chapter 5: Is It Over Yet?

"I love you Scully, I always have!" Mulder gushed as he poured her some lemonade. Why lemonade? BECAUSE IT FUCKING ROCKS OKAY?

Scully watched as he poured it, overfilling her champagne flute and watching the lemonade slide across the table like that one Pokémon... Muk that's its name. Yeahhhh.

"Mulder, I love you too but I wish you weren't so messy... You're spilling the lemonade!" She pointed to the floor were sickly yellow stains were spreading across the carpet.

"Oops. Sorry about that." Mulder blushed and went into her kitchen to get some BOUNTY. Cause it's the motherfucking quicker picker upper! And that shit works.

Scully watched as the sickly yellow slime started to grow larger and larger and start to fill the room.

"MULDER! IT'S NOT LEMONADE! IT'S THE VOMIT MONSTER AGAIN!" She screamed as the room filled with a terrible stench. It smelled like rotten fish and Miley Cyrus' vagina.

"Oh God! The stench! It's making my eyes water!" Mulder yelled as he walked into the living room again holding 15 rolls of BOUNTY: The Quicker Picker upper.

"Mulder quick! Throw the bounty on it! I'll go get some Gravol!" Scully said, gagging at the stench. She stood up and pushed her way through the knee-deep Vomit Monster and towards the bathroom.

Scully came back moments later to see Mulder being strangled by the Vomit Monster and Mulder trying to kick it off and throw BOUNTY: The Quicker Picker Upper into it to soak up the vomit. Scully hurled the Gravol tablets at the monster and they were absorbed by its Vomit-y stench goo.

Within minutes the Monster dropped David Duchovny I mean Mulder and threw it head back screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeching in pain. And in a matter of minutes, MINUTES GUYS, the entire apartment was back to normal. Well, besides the slimey stomach acid residue and the god awful stench.

***

After a very vigorous 12 hours of cleaning, the residue and stench were finally gone, replaced with a fresh lemony scent. Scully and Mulder took the gas masks off and breathed in the fresh scent.

"I'm famished. Let's order something to eat!" Mulder smiled, admiring how little he spent cleaning and how much more Scully did.

Panting, Scully nodded in agreement and reached over for the phone before collapsing on the floor.

"Damn it, not again..." Mulder grumbled, picking her up and taking her to her room. He was quite used to her fainting after doing all the hard work.

***

She awoke a few hours later to see Mulder standing over her holding a meat cleaver and staring rather intensely at her.

"WHAT THE FLYING VAGINAL SHIT MULDER!?" She screamed, peeing herself slightly.

"I just wanted to know if you wanted some delicious Lamb shank for dinner tonight... But you were still asleep, so I thought staring at you intensely with the meat cleaver would wake you up, AND IT DID!" Mulder explained.

"Lamb shank... You're cooking? I thought you didn't know how to?" Scully gave him THE LOOK.

Freaked out a little, Mulder stated: "No, I brought my Mexican lady over. She can speak German now too!"

"Oh, and you're helping her cut the meat?"

"That's not important right now!" Mulder screeched, dropping the meat cleaver onto the floor and jumping on top of her. He leaned in and gave her the biggest, and most slobbery kiss he could muster.

Scully giggled and wiggled and writhed IN PAIN! No just kidding, she wasn't in pain. But her left big toe was a little sore. She had gotten an Ingrown pulled out a week or two ago and it still was a little sensitive. MY STORIES ARE AMAZINGLY DETAILED YES? YES.

Meanwhile in Bangladesh: Lady Gaga and Beyoncé had hitchhiked their way into India. Or was it Pakistan? Who knows. Anyways they had learned Belly dancing in order to earn money and get back to America. WAIT, If Lady Gaga and Beyoncé exist now, wouldn't Scully and Mulder be living in Virgi-bkwjdqglkj GHGGAaasRRrrHHgghhfgh halp ghghhgjhJ I'm jkjahlk BEING CH-OKE-D. GAH.

Scully looked up into Mulder's sparkling -*looks up on X-Files Wiki page* - green eyes. (I always thought they were gray but whatevs. You know it's cool, it's cool. I see how it is X-Files Wiki Page...).

Scully sighed happily and nuzzled herself into his chest as he kissed the top of her head again. She was Just getting comfortable when the Mexican lady came running in screaming in German: "Dein Abendbrot fertig ist Herr."

"I don't know what the heck she just said but it smells like dinner's ready!" Mulder exclaimed rolling off the bed and bounding towards the kitchen table. Scully followed him, picking up the meat cleaver as she went.

The table was set in a fancy way, with china and utensils Scully never knew she had. Well she didn't have them. They were the Mexican Lady's. Whatever. Scully was surprised at the beauty of it. She peed herself a little more.

They sat down and the Mexican Lady served them red wine and an appetizer of Nachos and cheese with crab meat sprinkled into the cheese. And it wasn't that fake Crab shit you buy in the resealable plastic bags either. This was the REAL DEAL. The plates were made from the finest Paper and they used rolls of BOUNTY: THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER as napkins. Everything was perfect. The lack of candlelight, the nachos, even the way Mulder shovelled the food into his mouth and got it practically everywhere. Scully sighed; Mulder's flaws were what made him perfect. Wow, that was cheesy and cliché.

While they sat and ate in silence, Mulder cleared his throat and asked, "Scully May I ask you something?"

"You just did. But yeah, go ahead. What is it Mulder?"

"Yeah, but um... this is sorta important." He stood up, letting his roll of BOUNTY: THE QUICKER PICKER UPPER fall to the floor.

Scully gave him the look as he bent down on one knee and pulled out a little box.

"Dana, Will you... Will you go Steady with me?" He asked.

Scully's eyes widened and she fell backwards out of her chair. She had fainted without giving Mulder an answer. Mulder sighed and left with his Mexican lady. He would call her tomorrow over the phone or something.


	6. The End?

**A/n:** And so, my friends, the parody fic comes to an end. how tradgic. I hope you all enjoyed it. Remember nothing really belongs to me and this is not meant to offend. Short chapter is short.

Chapter 6: The End?

Scully's eyes shot open to the sound of the phone ringing. That's when she noticed that she was staring at the ceiling and a small dribble of dried drool made her cheek all crusty. She blushed a little and rubbed it off quickly.

She sat up and shivered, the nice warm bathwater she had been soaking in hours earlier had gone almost ice cold. She must have fallen asleep.

She stood up and let the water drain before wrapping herself in a towel and walking into the kitchen to get the phone.

"Hello?" Scully asked. Somehow this felt like déjà vu.

"Scully! It's me, Mulder." Mulder's voice seemed to comfort her slightly.

"Mulder! You'll never believe it, I just had the strangest dream!"

"So did I! Tell me yours first!"

"Well, I really don't know where to start. It was horrible. We were in the worst fanfiction ever. There were Vomit Monsters and horrible Mary-Sue type characters. Oh and There were tons and tons of teenagers! They were everywhere. And something about Ponyo...? Whatever that is. And Giant sea monsters and Mexican Ladies and –"

"Hold it! The whole time, were you oblivious to my advances? And was I constantly trying to go steady with you like we were teenagers?" Mulder interrupted.

"Yes! Exactly! What does it all mean Mulder? Did you have the same dream?" She bombarded him with questions.

"Yes, but it could all just be a coincidence. Or it could be something else..." Mulder's tone told her he was getting excited.

"Oh brother, not this again Mulder. It was nothing! Just a dream! There must have been something in those burritos we ate last night..." Scully didn't feel like hearing it.

"C'mon Scully! Telepathic communication through dreams! This has got to be an X-file!" She could almost hear the smirk-like smile spread across his face as he said it. It was a look she'd seen a million times before.

"No. It's just a coincidence. We both just have overactive imaginations..."

"Or, we have some sort of bond that allows us to share ideas through dreams! Scully are you dressed?!"

Scully looked down at the towel wrapped around her. "Uhh... Not exactly."

"Get dressed and pack your bags. We're going to see a friend of mine! I'll be there in a few!" Mulder said and hung up.

Scully groaned and tossed the phone onto the kitchen table. She should have never told Mulder about the misadventure she had in that crazy dream.


End file.
